


Vampire Culture

by Tea_is_Not_Them



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Banter, Canon Typical Jon being silly, Crack Treated Seriously, Jon is a Bastard, Jon: wtf, M/M, Martin Blackwood Has a Crush on Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Martin is also a Bastard, Martin: hi haha you didn't see me, Meet-Weird, Pining Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Pretty much all fluff, QPR TIMSASHA, The cool and sexy kind not the tma kind, Tim and Sasha try to find out about Jon's secret boyfriend, Vampire Martin Blackwood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-27
Packaged: 2021-03-27 22:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30129540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_is_Not_Them/pseuds/Tea_is_Not_Them
Summary: “Jeez- do you normally go around blinding people?”“I dunno do you normally go around creeping in people’s workplaces in the middle of the night?”
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 68
Kudos: 139
Collections: UnfinishedWorks





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I might write more for this, honestly depends on it XD I love vampires and have been on yet another what we do in the shadows kick so thats my mental state. 
> 
> Also may I offer you sweet Vampire Martin/Human Jon to ease the suffering of 199?
> 
> If this seems OOC I'm sorry but I get to choose the awkwardness level /j

“Statement of- good lord, Sasha? Are you staying late again? I thought Tim told you to quit that.” Jon ignores the hypocrisy in his statement, seeing as he was here in the middle of the night. But Sasha had a habit of staying in late and trying to get them all to let her do so. He grumbled, opening the door to find- nothing. The lights were off, which he doesn’t remember doing. A sudden unease creeps into his heart like a creeping wall of bugs. Paranoia is an easy state for Jon to fall into, and fall he does. 

  
  


“Hello?” Jon’s about to turn on his phone flashlight before he sees eyes, they are a bright blue staring, then he flashes the light on quickly. 

  
  


“Ow- ouch-hey!” A voice called, not one that Jon recognized. It was a bit softer, higher pitched than Tim’s but not like Sasha’s. His eyes adjust and he doesn’t take the light off of the intruder, “Jeez- do you normally go around blinding people?”

  
  


“I dunno do you normally go around creeping in people’s workplaces in the middle of the night?” Jon snaps, and he finally gets a good look at the man. He has curly black hair, his skin is only a few shades lighter than Jon’s own, and a smattering of freckled cover his cheeks. He honestly looks a bit ashen, but mostly normal, until he opens his mouth. Jon can see two sharp teeth up front like fangs that extended a little bit past the normal front teeth, they looked- well really uncomfortably real. 

  
  


The man cringes, the reason Jon could see his teeth, “Uh. No?”

  
  


“That doesn’t sound very reassuring.”

  
  


“Ugh, ok. Whatever, I just came to grab something. Of mine.” The man says, and then looks at Jon a bit hopefully, “You wouldn’t happen to know how to get into artifact storage would you?”

  
  


“N-what-no! No I wouldn’t why do you need in there what even-?” Jon stammers and the man waves his hands around. 

  
  


“Listen I just need my stuff back- they kinda stole my bag and said it was haunted and it was not! It isn’t so I wanted it back and you know it had my food in there so I’ve been tracking it down, so yeah. I just need to get my bag back and I am out of your hair.”

  
  


Jon stares and then blinks multiple times, “Wait a minute, are you that guy from the statement-”

  
  


“Uh. No?” 

  
  


“You are!”

  
  


“Nope! Great talking to you- gotta go!” The man speeds off and Jon is left confused and bewildered. How did he even get down there in the first place. 

  
  


\-------

  
  


“We meet again.” The man says awkwardly, this time they aren’t in the institute, Jon is actually out walking at night, a stupid thing for him to do but he’s less concerned about that and more concerned about cab prices, and honestly its not the longest walk he's ever taken. He still looks around and tries to be aware of his surroundings, there are some weridos in London. 

  
  


Jon looks up, “Ah. You're the creep who broke into the archives! I do remember you!”

  
  


“Hey- I didn’t break in. Technically. I can’t even go into places uninvited, someone left the door open and you have a welcome mat so technically-”

  
  


“Technically you’re still trespassing.”

  
  


“Ugh. Whatever you think.” The man says, and Jon almost laughs, before reigning it in. Maybe he’s too tired to realize how weird the conversation is, like why does the man need to be invited into a place and why does he think its proper to greet the person you saw when breaking and entering, but he was a bit too tired to think about it. “Oh uh. I’m being rude, I’m Martin.”

  
  


“Hm. Uh. Jon then.” He says back and Martin smiles, his teeth look a little menacing but honestly was he Jon running off of coffee and a simple prayer- along with a nap on the breakroom couch during lunch? Yes he was. This wasn't anything worse than seeing a bunch of teenagers dressed up in grey paint and sharpie makeup anyway, not by a long shot. 

  
  


Martin stretches for a second and then looks a bit worried, “Ah maybe you should get home, its a bit late and you know weirdos are out. Such and such.”

  
  


“You’re out,” Jon points out the obvious. He is even more blunt when he's sleepy and that is an almost impossible feat.

  
  


“So are you.” Martin shoots back, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

  
  


With a huff Jon rolls his eyes, “Sure yeah, I’ll go home. Don’t get eaten by vampires or whatever nonsense you're talking about.”

  
  


“Heh, yeah will do.” Jon did not see the sudden nervous glint in Martin’s eyes as he looked around, and did not notice that Martin’s reflection wasn’t showing up in the rainy puddles next to them. Nor did he see the way the man looked at his neck before shaking his head and walking off.

  
  


=----------

  
  


“Mr. Boss whatcha doing?” Tim said, leaning his elbows against Jon’s desk. Said man looks up in chock, being pulled from what seemed to be a daydream. It was nothing he would insist, just thinking. 

  
  


“Ah just not caught up on statements, probably need to grab some tea or something.” Jon says, looking up at Tim, he did not want to say he was thinking about that strange man he had seen both in the archives and on the street. Honestly that would be weird, right? Yeah it would be, and he doesn’t even know if he could trust the weird man who randomly showed up. Jon was not the man to easily trust anyone- it took Tim a whole year to gain friendship and Sasha had to take 11 months before she could get close to him. 

  
  


Tim raises a brow, “I dunno, you seem pretty preoccupied.”

  
  


“What does that mean?” Jon says with a contemptuous voice. 

  
  


“Woah didn’t mean to step on a toe, just thought that you might be thinking about someone! You’re got a weird look on your face, I mean other than the normal 'bleugh I hate you all'.”

  
  


With a scowl Jon rolls his eyes, “I am not making a weird face, you’re just thirsting for some kind of drama.”

  
  


“Ouch, you got me.” Tim raises his hands up with a grin, “But if you wanna talk about it-”

  
  


“Get out of my office!”

  
  


“Hah! Ok ok I’m heading out!”

  
  


Jon sat there thinking about it for a bit and then groaned, letting his head drop to the desk, was he really thinking about that stranger? Guh. He needed to get back to work.

  
  


\--------

  
  


“You make it a habit to be out at god knows how late?” Martin’s voie said from behind him, Jon almost jumps out of his skin. How the fuck did he get behind Jon without making any noise- jesus christ!

  
  


“Good lord man! Have you just flown here!” Jon looks back and sees Martin looking a bit shy looking. 

  
  


“Ah sorry- sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you I just saw you on my way home and kinda said hi?”

  
  


Jon scoffs then looks at Martin with a sigh, “Ok.”

  
  


“So… How was work?”

  
  


He looks at the other man with a face that says that that was the worst thing he's ever been asked. Why was he trying to make small talk at this point?

  
  


“It was work. At an archive.” Jon said shortly. Martin laughed a little, and Jon wondered why he was amused, before he just shrugged that off, “What do you even do?”

  
  


Martin blinks a few times, “I work at a blood bank?” 

  
  


He did not sound sure of himself, not really. If anything he sounded like he thought of something on the spot. Jon looks at the man with a quirked eyebrow, “That sounds. Fake.”

  
  


“Uh, excuse me, it’s perfectly true.” Martin said back, and for some reason his tone made Jon laugh. Just a little. Not even enough to be considered a laugh. Totally nothing. Yep. Not finding the queer man funny at all, not even a peep. Nope. Nothing. 

  
  


“Uhuh, and I’ll believe when I see a medical license.”

  
  


“Excuse you, what if I was an illegal blood bank worker.” Martin said and Jon raises a brow. The man flushed a little, “Well, that doesn’t make sense. But you know what I meant!”

  
  


“Sure I do.” Jon said, and for some reason he feels a little endeared, “Why are you getting out so late?”

  
  


Martin shrugged, “I work nights, not a daylight person really.”

  
  


“Hah, I’m much the same.”

  
  


With a bit of a laugh on his lips Martin says, “I dunno, you seem to just be an archive man. I thought research jobs were nine to five? Yet here you are, at like four in the morning?”

  
  


“I have to get that place into some semblance of shape- I mean that place is such a mess the old head archivist must have been off her rocker!” Jon ranted for a second, “The system is so messed up, who even sorts files by the number of words they have or even the 'color they seem most like' that just seems- ah sorry. Rambling.”

  
  


“No no go on, I love hearing the juicy nine to five gossip.” Martin says, and Jon feels something in his heart pull. Oh fuck off!

  
  
  


\---------------

  
  


Martin sighed, he really did not like some parts of being a vampire- some parts that included literally drinking blood. Never a good thing honestly. But its what he did to survive. So there he was, biting a whole ass person, who honestly smelled like cigarette smoke and grease, which was gross, but sometimes a man gotta eat. 

  
  


He licked his teeth, flicking his tongue over the fangs and then at the crumpled man. Martin didn’t kill people- he had a bit more self control than that. He had not been so careful at first, but he was doing a lot better now. Oh, he looks around, blood on his lips and a bit on his clothes, after hearing a noise. 

  
  


“Martin?”

  
  


“Jon?”


	2. What the FUCK?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon is not exactly enthused to find out Martin drinks blood- but you know sometimes you over look things when you're curious. And sometimes you over look things when you find the random vampire you've inexplicably made friends with is very funny, and cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this is OOC. Honestly. I'll live with it. WE all need fluff and we all deserve to have some crack-fic for the bullshit Jonny's putting us through (/joke thank you Jonny for making my heart hurt)

Jon doesn't know what to think- Martin has blood on his face, more importantly in his mouth. Smeared like paint! Good god, he looks like he had just killed somebody and he sees the crumpled man on the ground and finally it clicks together. Fucking vampire. Those shouldn't exist but here they are! Here they are!

  
  


“Jon-”

  
  


“Either you’re a vampire or you’re a really messed up cannibal, and I’m not sure which is worse.” He says, and Martin scratches the back of his neck, looking less like a man just accused of murder via teeth to the neck and more like a kid getting caught with a candy they weren’t supposed to have. 

  
  


Martin pops his lips for a second, filling the silence before actually talking, “Ok so maybe I’m a vampire, but he’s not dead- I don’t kill people I just need to eat and sometimes-”

  
  


Jon looks utterly dumbfounded, both shocked and hysterical, “That makes so much sense- can’t come in without an invitation, that whole malarkey. Oh my god!”

  
  


“Please stop freaking out, you’re gonna pull attention to us and honestly I can’t handle that please let me explain.”

  
  


“Let you explain- I have literally read a statement about vampires and they don’t seem pleasant and here you are-”

  
  


“Oh come on I’m not like that- I wasn't born a vampire it just kinda happened cut me some slack!” Martin said exasperated.

  
  


Jon let out a series of noises that can only be described as seal that does not know what's going on and screaming cat, “I. You- how on earth can you just accidentally become a vampire-”

  
  


“Listen it’s a long story and I really need to go clean off my shirt!”

  
  


“You’re covered in blood!”

  
  


“No shit!”

  
  


Jon looks at him, and Martin can’t help but start to laugh at the look on his face, it’s so confused and then he looks even more confused, and maybe a little offended that Martin was laughing at him. Martin tries t wipe his mouth and Jon keeps making exaggerated gestures but is too shocked to do anything but make vaguely person-like noises. 

  
  


“I’m sorry I’m laughing-”

  
  


“Where you going to eat me!” Jon asks and there's actually a spark of worry in his eyes. Ah. No. He was not going to eat Jon, he had thought about it ok- maybe Jon was the first guy he saw that looked kind of cute and then suddenly he didn’t wanna hurt him because he was fun to talk to- sue him!

  
  


Martin makes a noise in his throat, “No I was not going to eat you! I try not to!”

  
  


“Very convincing!”

  
  


“God I’m gonna bite you if you keep this up!”

  
  


Jon tenses for a second and then Martin realizes, not the time to joke like that, “Kidding- kidding! Not gonna bite you or eat you. I thought you were, I dunno, nice to talk to? You don’t usually eat friends, not that I would know but…. Yeah?”

  
  


“...I honestly don’t know if I believe you but you are terrible at lying so I will take your word for it.”

  
  


“I am not terrible at lying!”

  
  


Jon scoffs, “you are! You really are- blood bank?”

  
  


Martin thinks back to that and cringes, “Ok yeah maybe not on the spot lying.”

  
  


“Mhm.”

  
  


“Ok can I please just explain to you, honestly it wont take more than like thirty minutes. Or maybe we can do it another time when I don’t look like a scene from hannibal. I am not ok with drying blood up on my clothes- or face.”

  
  


“But you eat it.”

  
  


“Drink is the technical term.” Martin says lamely, and maybe Jon has just realized he has made friends with the lamest vampire in the world, or maybe he realized that his life might as well be this, why not? Just hang around a random vampire. That’s life innit? “But yeah, you wouldn’t want dried spaghetti sauce all over you all the time even if you like to eat it.”

  
  


“I hate spaghetti.” Jon says deadpan, and then a small quirk to his lips comes. 

  
  


Martin groans, “You’re impossible. Now! I am going to clean up, do you want my number or are you just gonna head out?”

  
  


Jon thinks about it for a second, and his curiosity and kind of sort of crush on Martin wins out, so he takes the number. Might as well do this huh? And if nothing else he could just keep a knife on him and hope that the stake to the heart thing was true. Tim and Sasha would so get on his ass for this, and if he was still talking to Georgie she would either tell him to bring Martin to her so she can make a What the Ghost episode, or telling him that he’s the dumbest man alive, and even dumber than that. So that was how he was doing. 

  
  


\---------

  
  


Jon sat at his desk, and suddenly his phone buzzed, “Please let me in :((“ 

  
  


He looked around the Archives and then had a realization, ah, he was there to tell Jon what in the world happened to make him a vampire- which Jon was still in shock over. With a stretch and a groan, he made his way to the Archive’s door. Tim had talent he welcome mat away, because he thought it looked weird, and there was usually no need for it since getting to the archives you’d already have tracked most of the mud inside anyways, not much left for the dusty basement. 

  
  


So he gets up and opens the archives door while standing on the top step, “Hello Martin.”

  
  


Martin gave a wave, “hi. Are you gonna let me in? What happened to the placemat anyway?”

  
  


“Oh obviously someone heard there was a vampire on the loose and took the thing home.” Jon paused, looking completely serious for a second before letting out a huffed laugh through his nose, giving away his slight amusement, “One of the assistants took it home because he didn’t care for it anymore.”

  
  


“Ah. It was a little tacky.” Martin and Jon could agree, the mat was the ugliest thing since ever.

  
  


“Yes it was, uh. Come in?”

  
  


Martin leans over the threshold of the door and then gives a thumbs up, “All clear!”

  
  


Jon nods, and then goes down the steps with Martin behind him. He honestly kind of expects to suddenly wake up and have a few liters of blood missing, but no, he still walks down those stairs with Martin in tow. Is he scared of Martin? Maybe a little, but honestly if the man hadn’t already tried to eat him maybe there was some upperhand that Jon had. 

  
  


“Is this your office?” Martin asks, looking around in slight awe- not because it’s nice, but because the place looks a little like a tiny tornado made it’s way through and Jon had made a little nest in the middle. 

  
  


He hums, “Yes, it’s bit of a wreck.”

  
  


“Understatement of the century.” Martin responds, and Jon sends him a little glare that doesn’t really fall right. It wasn’t like he was self conscious about his workplace when the other man probably doesn’t have a job, and also eats people. No need to be professional. 

  
  


Jon sits down at his desk, and Martin takes the seat across from it, “So… what did you want to know first? I’m kind of lost on where to start.”

  
  


With some hesitance Jon wonders, before shrugging slightly, "I want to know how you even became a vampire, I mean it makes no sense since every statement about Vampires has been about those mosquito like ones, and you don’t have that weird thing they do. How does one just. Become like that.”

  
  


Martin sighs, “Ok so. I was out running to the store, when my mother was still alive and I had to get her medicines at night. Then… Well I don’t actually know? I kinda just, woke up in alley one night and boom I was dead?”

  
  


Jon blinks a few times, “Ok. That makes no sense. But alright, I have questions.”

  
  


“Yeah I figured, that’s why I’m here.” Martin replied. This conversation was going a lot better than he thought it would honestly, since most people when they found out he was a sad twilight remix they got a bit freaked. Jon had at first but now it was a little hard to think of the man in a bright yellow sweater with a cow purse to even be slightly intimidating. 

  
  


He flipped to a notepad and Martin almost starts laughing incredulously, Jon had quite a few things to ask, and Martin was waiting for this interrogation. 

  
  


“So do you see your reflection?”

  
  


“No.”

  
  


“Wow. Ok, does garlic hurt you?”

  
  


“Not really but ingesting any food is bad for my stomach, I’m everything intolerant, though I do really miss tea.” Martin hums, tapping his fingers to the counter.

  
  


Jon nods, noting this all down like Martin was a statement, and Martin feels a bit worried that after this he’s gonna get kicked out. Instead Jon looks up at him, “Can you turn other people into vampires or are you a fluke?”

  
  


“Ouch first of all. Second why do you want to know, you secretly a twilight fan?”

  
  


Jon scoffed, then looks confused, “What is Twilight exactly?”

  
  


“Oh my god you don’t- we have to educate you now.” Martin says, and then realizes he talking like he and Jon are friends. Like he can just say these things. Jon nods, as if that was a normal thing. yup. Ok. 

  
  


“Guess you will- oh and how much do you need to uh….’feed’?”

  
  


Martin thinks about it, “Once a week as long as I’m careful honestly. If I like… didn’t care about killing people I could probably last a month but I’m not an asshole.”

  
  


“Fair enough.” Jon says and his questions finally start to dwindle before he looks around at the clock, “Oh! It’s almost sunlight can you…?”

  
  


Martin hisses a little, “No… Not really? I don’t have my umbrella with me so-”

  
  


Jon stands up and starts rummaging through the room before he finds a huge umbrella, sunglasses, and a coat that Martin knows is definitely not his, “Here. Lets go get you home safely.”

  
  


Martin looks in appreciation before wincing, “Those won’t really help- honestly I can just turn into a cat and chill in the stacks for a bit and hope no one notices me. I mean I could go home but I will have a rather nasty sunburn since it’s so far away-”

  
  


“You can turn into a cat?” Jon eye’s widen and then he has an idea, putting on the coat, “We can definitely get you home if you can make yourself smaller.”

  
  


“Are you implying that you will smuggle me across London in your coat. As a cat?” Martin says incredulously. Jon looks at him with a raised brow. 

  
  


“Would you rather be stuck here and avoid Tim and Sasha who, if they find you, will try to take you home with them? And try to feed you cat treats? Or name you something utterly stupid like oreo?” 

  
  


Martin takes a breath through his teeth, “Yeah alright, alright, you got me, give me a second.”

  
  


Suddenly there is a cat in front of Jon, and it takes all of his cat lover heart’s willpower not to immediately want to pet it, even if he knows it’s Martin. It’s a vampire. Oh my god he made friends with a vampire and he’s smuggling him through London. Ok. That’s a thing that happens to normal people. Definitely. 

  
  


“Alright come on.” Jon says, opening the coat and picking Martin up. It takes a bit of maneuvering and some scratches down his chest- which was not on purpose Jon! But soon they get Martin in a way that no one will suspect Jon of having a blood sucking cat in his coat. “Can you turn into anything else?”

  
  


The cat glares and he realizes that Martin probably can’t talk as a cat. Damn, “I’ll ask at another time. First you’re going to have to give me directions.”


	3. Sleep!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to know this is not supposed to be seen as a serious fanfic I am just in love with them ok?
> 
> Also the title came from a will wood song and i you caught that I think you're very cool

Jon hummed, and realized that it was late again- and he heard his phone go off. He answered the phone before checking the caller ID, mostly expecting Martin.

  
  


“Yes Martin I stayed late can you please-”

  
  


“Whos Martin boss?” Tim’s voice had a quirk of interested amusement. Oh shit. 

  
  


Jon cleared his throat, “Uh. No one? Why are you calling me this late?”

  
  


Tim scoffs on the other end, “Uhuh, and why are you still awake? And still at work from what I just heard. Don’t think I wont forget that bite because you called me Martin.”

  
  


_ Damn.  _ He sighs, putting a few folders away, “Fine fine. What do you want?”

  
  


“I was wondering if you were home already so I could come get that jacket you snatched from me.”

  
  


“Listen I’m still sorry about that- I’ll bring it tomorrow I promise.”

  
  


Tim hums, “Gotcha, you better or I’ll have to barge into your apartment like an avenging angel. Now, to the important matters- who’s Martin boss and why’d you sound so fond!”

  
  


Jon groans loudly, “No one Tim, good night-”

  
  


“I do not believe you, you’re a shit liar!”

  
  


“I said good night!” Jon finished hurriedly before hanging up and losing his phone, “Well. That is not ideal.”

  
  


With a sigh, stretching his poor limbs and back from sitting like the letter c all day, he gets up and starts to pack away his things. The archives at night are less creepy than he thought they’d be honestly, the feeling of being watched backed off slightly though not completely, and the place was empty. It echoed his steps strangely, which he hated immensely but would worry about later. 

  
  


He locks up the door behind him, going to the lobby and doing the same. Elias had left him a key to the institute, saying something about how he admired Jon’s work ethic. Jon doesn't know how in the world Elias knew but decided to not think about it for the time being. When he gets about halfway home, he hears someone behind him, and turns to see Martin. Usually Martin isn’t loud, but he hard started trying to make sure Jon could hear him so that he didn’t scare the poor man. 

  
  


“Jon! You know you should stop staying out so late! Your eyebags are just going to get worse- you look like you could tote a small dog in them.” Martin said, and Jon gave a glare that held no heat. 

  
  


“I’ll be fine.” He replied, “And either way, it’s probably the only time you can see me without getting all burnt up.”

  
  


_ Oh…  _ Martin thought. Jon… was he just saying that so that Martin would get off his back or did he actually enjoys Martin’s company that much? Either way, “Well, maybe we can set up a schedule, we can’t exactly hang out when you’re on the verge of passing out at your desk every night.”

  
  


“But I have to make sure the archives are good. Can’t slack or-”  _ yawn  _ “-it’ll look like I haven’t done anything important.”

  
  
  


“You know you don’t have to prove yourself.” Martin said. It was something he learned in his few years of being a vampire. To care less about what people thought and to just be himself. It took a bit to shed the people pleaser skin, but it felt freeing to get rid of it. 

  
  


Jon looks over at him, “Maybe not to you. I’m not qualified for that job.”

  
  


“Ok and neither is anyone else you work with.”

  
  


“Sasha is.”

  
  


Martin raises and eyebrow, “Isn't she the one that staples old archive papers?”

  
  


Jon thinks about it for a second, “Maybe.”

  
  


The vampire snorts, and Jon shoulders him gently, “honestly Jon. You can’t really work at your best if you’re dead tired.”

  
  


Jon starts to laugh softly, “Dead…”

  
  


“Oh my god you’re awful! Your sense of humor is broken.”

  
  


“Not broken just dark.” Jon says, taking a breath and sighing deeply. Martin sees how tired he is and pulls them both over to a bench. 

  
  


“Down we go.”

  
  


This gets him a weird look from said tired man, “But… I have to get home.”

  
  


“You look like you’re gonna take a kip on the side of the road, so we are taking a break. Unless you want me to carry you around like a big old baby.” Martin says, and Jon groans. Hah! He won the argument. “We can walk in a bit- but honestly you look ready to fall over.”

  
  


Jon glares, but can’t stop himself from yawning, and in almost a few moments his head is leaned on Martin’s shoulder. He’s very much asleep. Martin looks at him for a second and wonders what his options are. One: stay there until it gets close to sun up and then book it back home and leave Jon to nap on the bench like a homeless person, two: wake up the poor man from probably the only nap he’s gotten in the past three weeks. Or… No.

  
  


Option three: carry Jon home. 

  
  


Hm. Maybe it was just his fried undead brain but that sounded like a good option- and Jon had a welcome matt… No, no! Stop it! Bad vampire. Smack! Martin looks at Jon, who then curls closer. Even if Martin were to depart he would wake Jon in the process anyway. Damn. His options are dwindling fast. Fine! Ok fine he’s gonna do it.

  
  


Jon is light, not that Martin is surprised- the guy probably lives off of tea and microwave meals once a day. With the sleeping man pressed close, Martin starts walking. 

  
  


Fuck it. Martin makes sure he has a good hold on Jon before jumping off the ground and flying to the destination.

  
  


\-----------

  
  


Jon wakes up in his bed and stretches. He’s not completely well rested but that was the best sleep he had had in ages. But- when did he get into bed? Did Martin wake him and he just forget the whole encounter?

  
  


There was a note by his bed that said, “Don’t miss anymore sleep. Also eat something this morning dummy :p.”

  
  


Jon looks around and notices he had woken up before his alarm. That handwriting is most likely Martin’s though he hadn’t seen the man write anything before. He gets up and takes the note, holding it carefully. Though he doesn’t know why the note on an old memo pad slip seems to feel important to him. Either way he decides that- fine, he will eat something. His fridge is almost barren and he groans, before finding a microwave breakfast sandwich and decides to eat that. He needs to do grocery shopping. 

  
  


With that he eats and shoot Martin a text.

  
  
  


\----------

  
  


“Why’re you so well-tempered this morning?” Sasha said, iced coffee in hand. Jon had gratefully taken the one she had given him. Tim was drinking his in the breakroom while playing on his phone under the assumption that Jon hadn’t seen him ducked behind the couch, thought Jon had pretended that it flew over his head. 

  
  


He gives her a look, “What do you mean?”

  
  


She takes a sip of her drink, and then stands with a hand on her hip, “You usually storm around here with a scowl like a vampire.”

  
  


Jon can’t help the slight laugh he gave, having known one vampipre who neither scowled nor sulked, before scoffing, “I do no such thing.”

  
  


“Is this about the mystery man that Tim talked about?” She asked with a grin and Jon groaned loudly. 

  
  


“There is no mystery man, Tim must had imagined it.” He replied in that usually surly manner that he had. 

  
  


Sasha rolls her eyes, “Uhuh. Anyway did you ever get the number of that guy who made a statement the other day?”

  
  


“Ah no, he was rather sure that this was all a hallucination even though he woke up in an alleyway.”

  
  


“Damn.” Sasha snapped her fingers like an old cartoon villain, “Well we’ll get more later.”

  
  


Jon nodded, “There is an abundance of people who like to make up stories, so yes, we will aslways get more.”

  
  


“No not Skeptic Jon! He’s so boring!” Sasha boos, and finally Tim comes out of the breakroom with his coffe half drank and his phone place on his desk. 

  
  


“Alright back to archiving.” Jon said, with the ghost of a smile on his face, before going back to his office to record a statement. 


	4. Tim and Sasha on the case of the mysterious boyfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tim and Sasha are a QPR, simply because,,,,, <3<3<3<3<3 
> 
> Also I love these goofs they obviously gossip all the time, so of course they wanna find out the mystery man.

Tim and Sasha usually gossiped, they liked to do that on their free time! It was easier to talk about Daniel upstairs and his weird addiction to sour candies, and Marcy’s secret crush on Rosie, but there was a few people that both of them really loved to rag on. One of those people being their now boss, Jon. Usually they didn’t gossip much about him, he was secretie about his life but both of them knew he had like no friends outside of work and stayed too late. They had taken it upon themselves to be his friends- and they friends now, no matter how much Jon wriggled.

  
  


But after that one phone call, Tim and Sasha had new gossip material: “Who’s Martin?”

  
  


Jon wouldn’t tell them anything, and it wasn’t like he would post about it on his minimal social media- by social media they meant a Facebook profile that hadn’t been updating in five-ever, and a myspace about pirates. 

  
  


This mystery man had eluded them, there were hundred of Martin’s in England, and even just in London! No matter what hacker jack Sasha could do with her magic mind, they couldn’t find anything about a specific Martin. Why did Jon have to date someone with another basic name! That’s like, so unfair to Tim and Sasha who just want to snoop to their hearts content. 

  
  


“Twenty quid on it being a boyfriend.”

  
  


Sasha groaned, but then went, “I’ll say it’s just a friend outside of work that he doesn’t want us knowing about because he thinks it will tarnish his professionalism- even though that’s bullshit.”

  
  


Tim grins, “You didn’t hear how fond he sounded when he picked up the phone.”

  
  


With that, Sasha throws a plastic spoon at Tim’s head, “uhuh. Fond.”

  
  


Now sensing a challenge, Tim puffs up his chest and does his best Jon impression, “‘Oh Mah-tin, yes I’m staying late. No Mah-tin-”

  
  


They hear Jon’s office door open and Tim stops abruptly, to his relief Jon simply looks at them confused as to why they were looking at him like that, “What were you two babbling about in here?”

  
  


“Nothin’ boss! Talking bout how Mary from accounting has a thing for-”

  
  


“Ok end of that conversation.” Jon said, turning quickly to go make himself some horrendous coffee from the breakroom. Tim grins with pride, he is very good at making Jon want to end any conversation he has with the two, especially when he brings up Mary from accounting. She was a weird one and Jon preferred to know nothing about her. 

  
  


Sasha snickers, “Poor guy.”

  
  


“Nah that was hilarious. Anyway, talk more about it after work?”

  
  


“Over wine?”

  
  


Tim gives a false offended scoff, “Are you saying you don’t expect wine night gossip anymore? What have I done to deserve this treatment? Who do you think I am!”

  
  


She smacks him on the arm, “Oh be quiet you big goober. I’ll bring takeout, as long as you have the wine.”

  
  


“'As long as you have the wine' do I ever not? Also that Italian place please.” Tim gives a pleading face, and Sasha rolls her eyes. 

  
  


“Yeah, of course.”

  
  


He pumps his fist in the air, “Fuck yeah!”

  
  


They hear a noise from the breakroom and Jon is poking his head out of the door, “Language.”

  
  


“Bossss- you’re so mean.”

  
  


Jon rolls his eyes, “Go put a dollar in the swear jar.”

  
  


The swear jar was a jar that Tim himself had coined when Jon had gotten very enraged once during game nights, and it had stuck- much to Tim’s displeasure, seeing as he and Sasha both swore a lot. Jon found it incredibly funny to make Tim pay a dollar in whenever he caught him, since Tim had taken to doing the same. He wouldn't do it that often to Sasha.

  
  


\----------

  
  


Sasha had taken to staying late that week, not that Tim needed to know. She had also found a comfortable spot next to a box of statements that she couldn’t pick up- not because she wasn’t strong, but because that box was probably weighed down by rocks, or bricks, or explosives knowing Gertrude Robinson. Honestly it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that she was sitting away from her desk; in the perfect place to see the whole open part of the Archives, and even better, not be spotted by anyone unless they were really trying to look for her. 

  
  


With that said, she was absorbed in research when she heard a door open. He looked up to see Jon walking out of his office up the stairs to the archives door. She watches confused, before she sees a man come in.

  
  


‘ _ Oh my god.’  _ She whispered to herself, just quiet enough that she barely even heard the words coming from her own mouth. The man was handsome at least, that was a plus. She didn’t know what she would have don't if Jon was not dating a hot person, probably tried to find out everything about them. Though Sasha was going to do that already so... She really doesn't know, but she refused to think Jon didn't at least have some taste in men.

  
  


Jon smiled, wow he could actually do that, “Come in.”

  
  


“Thank goodness, I thought I was going to be sitting outside the door all night.” The man’s voice wasn’t too bad on the ears either. Sasha gives him a solid 8/10, even if she wasn’t romantically attracted to anyone, good for her and Tim’s boy though. Though she is confused as to how Jon 'I hate everyone, and will die before I go socialize' Sims met Martin 'I'm laughing at his jokes and rib him about things' whatever-his-last-name.

  
  


“I already said sorry, I didn’t see the text.”

  
  


“Or the call?”

  
  


Jon goes a bit red, “Ok I was not paying attention to my phone, if I wanted to stare at the blasted thing all night I could do that at home.”

  
  


The man, Martin of course, laughs, “I just came here to convince you to go home and rest.”

  
  


“And you will fail your task, Martin. Are you sure you didn't just come because you wanted to see me?” Jon says, walking back down the stairs, Martin follows him quickly. As they walk downstairs, Sasha notices something off. Martin’s footsteps are almost nonexistent- which is weird since Martin is a big guy. Maybe he’s a ballerina Sasha joked to herself. When the man’s mouth opened, she noticed his teeth, two sharp fangs.

  
  


“I won’t be carrying you home again- you passed out on a bench the other night. And maybe I do, you dweeb, our schedules _should_ be very different.”

  
  


“So you did end up carrying me! I knew I didn’t wake up.” Jon snapped his fingers like he had been proven right.

  
  


Martin laughed, rubbing the back of his neck, “Sorry about that but you kind of looked dead on your feet. And don’t you laugh at that- those jokes aren’t even funny!”

  
  


Jon bit back a laugh, and Sasha wondered what was so funny. But these two were having an easy camaraderie, and man that is so romantic getting carried home! Shit, she owes Tim money! Curse her. Then she sees something else that tips her off that something’s off. 

  
  


Martin doesn’t have a reflection, she can see this because there's a mirror on Tim’s desk that Jon and Martin pass by, and she saw Jon, eyebags and all, and then nothing. Oh my god. As the two of them go into Jon’s office Sasha comes to a realization. The teeth, the footsteps, the reflection. Does Jon know?

  
  


No he probably doesn’t, the man is smart but he’s too think to think about there being a supernatural explanation. She loves the guy but his skeptic streak is longer than the stick up his ass.

  
  


Sasha gets out of the archive’s quietly, not even alerting the two love-bats, and calls Tim. 

  
  


“You will not believe what I just saw.”

  
  



	5. YOURE OLD??!?!?!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martin divulges his age to get jon to watch coraline with him. Thats the chapter, or is it? mwuahhahaha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I called this two fruits in a basket in my working titles so please never take me seriously

So Jon does in fact know that his friend who is also a boy is a vampire, but Tim and Sasha do not know this. They don’t exactly know how to bring it up to him, without Sasha saying she accidentally spied on their conversation. So that was back to the drawing board. Instead they might try and stay later to see if they could get Jon to go home earlier, and hope he doesn’t get eaten by a nocturnal creature of the night.

  
  


Jon had no clue that Tim and Sasha knew anything, and was getting very annoyed that they kept staying later. Soon it culminated to him taking work home so he could finally do something in peace. And of course that meant that Martin would come over randomly, and Jon knew the exact pattern of his knocking. 

  
  


He got up to the sound of knuckles on wood and peek out to see Martin in his usual bright cheery clothes- and honestly someone should tell him to dress with less yellow when he’s literally a vampire who eats people, but Jon wasn’t going to be the one to tell him. (He thinks that Martin looks really cute in his silly sheep and cow sweaters but will die before he admits these things.)

  
  


“Come on in, I’m in the middle of this statement-”

  
  


Martin raises a brow, “You will be finishing that statement, and then putting work away.”

  
  


Jon rolls his eyes, “uhuh. By what authority is this order from?”

  
  


“From the hypnosis authority, ooooh-” Martin cuts himself off by laughing, the hypnosis joke would never wear off for him, Jon groans loudly, the joke did wear off for him. 

  
  


“Get out of my flat with your terrible jokes.” Jon said, sitting back down at his home desk, to which Martin closed the door behind him. The flat has been stripped of things that Jon thought might hurt a vampire, which he had no clue if that's how it worked since Martin didn’t really tell him and he was going off of pop culture knowledge of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show that Sasha loves. 

  
  


“Oh no, you’ve let a creature of the night into your home- oooh dangerous.” Martin sits down on the couch, said couch was older than his grandmother and was almost free at an estate sale, “But really, we are going to do something other than archiving. You need to take a break and I have the best idea.”

  
  


Jon didn’t even look up from his work, “And what would that be, and is it good enough for me to care?”

  
  


“We’re gonna watch Coraline!” Martin says, producing the DVD from his bag, and Jon cocks his head.

  
  


“And what exactly is that?” Jon asks, finally looking up and at the thing Martin held. It was the case of it, and Jon know he has a DVD player but man he hasn’t used to the thing in so long. He doesn’t typically enjoys movies, usually he’ll watch a documentary when he's really bored, or read.

  
  


With a dumbfounded expression Martin blinks rapidly, “I have lived so long- and even I know this movie!”

  
  


“Oh that’s based off of a book right? Think I read it as a kid actually, Neil Gaiman?” Jon looks over, and then gets a weird look on his face, “Wait how old are you actually- you’ve never told me.”

  
  


“Uhhh.” Martin looks away from Jon, immediately trying to change the subject, “Anyway!”

  
  


“Wait, no I want to know!” He gets up from his desk, walking over to the couch, “I’ll stop working if you tell me.”

  
  


Martin scoffs, crossing his arms, “Bribery Jonathan? You think I would stoop so low! I am a high class man, not easily won over by-”

  
  


Jon gives a pleading look, and dammit, Martin can’t resist that stupid face, not when Jon looks so excited to know something about him, “Fine, I’m reaching 80 years old this year.”

  
  


“YOU'RE 80?” Jon shouted, before getting shushed and shrinking slightly, hoping that he didn’t wake any neighbors, “I wouldn't have- oh good lord really? You aren’t playing a joke on me right?”

  
  


“Yeah? I was turned when I was about… 29? Dunno I stopped counting after a while. Also why would I lie about being old, I have no reason to lie to you.” He said nonchalantly and Jon stared with wide eyes. What Martin doesn’t know is that Jon is going through emotional turmoil so intense that he might actually have to lay down.

  
  


_ I cannot believe I have a juvenile crush on someone who is quite literally eighty- oh my god he’s as old as my grandmother! What do I do with this information? Die? What would Tim and Sasha say about this. Actually they never need to know I will take this information to my grave. _

  
  


There's a hand waving in front of his face, “Are you alright Jon?”

  
  


“Ah! Yes, I am perfectly ok. Nothing to worry about, you said something about a movie.” Jon scrambled, and Martin raises a brow. Little does Jon know that Martin is also experiencing all eight stages of grief, because that was a long time for the guy to be zoned out. 

  
  


_ Wait is that weird, does he think it’s weird for me to be eighty- wait he’s like thirty so this isn’t some weird twilight logic. Now that I’m thinking about it if I was white and also rich I could literally be a sugar parent, I hate this. Stop that train of thought please for the love of god. _

  
  


They end up watching Coraline, as both of them come to terms with the idea of the other being with way younger than them, or older than balls. It’ll be fine! Jon can totally handle the thought of being- nope not gonna finish that sentence, feelings are illegal- finding Martin highly handsome. Martin looks over to see Jon actually invested in the movie, watching it with big eyes. Oh curse his stupid undead heart, he’s so cute. He’s in it bad isn't he?

  
  


When Jon wakes up, he can see sun in the windows, and he’s still on the couch. Martin is next to him, the light not dramatic enough to harm the vampire. He realizes during the night he must have cuddled up to the man, because he can feel a hand in his hip, breath in his hair, and the obvious fact that he had just moved his head from Martin’s shoulder. His sweater was soft and ruffled. Jon really doesn’t want to wake him up, not when he looks so… peaceful. 

  
  


Still he didn’t want to have Martin waking up to a killer sunburn, so he moves away, didn’t want to give Martin the mortification of waking up all tangled, no one else needed to know anyway. Yep. This is something else that Jon will take to his grave.

  
  


“Martin. Hey.”

  
  


“Hmmn what?” His voice is soft from sleep and Jon smiles, before realizing Martin is nocturnal… That means Martin had definitely known Jon cuddled to him, which also means that Martin cuddled him back. He’s gonna put that in a box and hopefully never think about it again. 

  
  


“The sun- you can take my bed until the sun goes down.” Jon says quietly, and Martin's eyes open, and were they always that red? A deep burgundy that seeps together with the brown perfectly. He wondered slightly, before looking away. He was not about to stare into his eyes, that was just… weird. Imagine waking up to your friend just looking at you, it’s like seeing your cat staring at you in the middle of the night. 

  
  


Martin finally opens his eyes fully, yawning, teeth almost glinting in the early light, “Oh, thank you. I think I’ll do that.”

  
  


“You should, I can’t smuggle you across town today, since I didn’t set my alarm and I’m already late.”

  
  


“Oh no, sorry Jon.” Martin says, getting up on the couch languidly. He does really sound sorry, but Jon’s having none of that.

  
  


Jon shrugged, “Not your fault, I got a good sleep at least. Now shoo before you get well done via window, like a waffle maker.”

  
  


“Yeah yeah I’m going bossy, good morning.” 

  
  


Jon snorts, that’s a turn of phrase that means differently from Martin than it did for Jon, but he was slightly endeared by it “Good morning to you too.”

  
  


He can go and have his gay panic in the bathroom in a second, when Martin goes to bed. But for now, he was herding the man to his tiny bed and closing the blackout curtains that he had in fact gotten as a freebie Martin under the covers is something Jon will try not to think about for the next three years. When he closes the door behind him as he leaves. he hears another knock on the front door. For heaven’s sake why is it always times like this? He wants to deal with his not-emotions alone.

  
  


With all his survival instincts on high, he looks out the peephole, and then opens the door with an annoyed glare, “What the hell are you two doing here?”

  
  


“Oh you know, just checking in, you’re never late. Just a little worried.” Sasha says, but she does seem to be looking at his neck, which was still covered by yesterday’s collared shirt. She looks relieved for some weird reason, and unbeknownst to Jon she was looking for a neck bite, or even just blood. Instead there's drool on his shirt- from himself and how he slept strangely. 

  
  


“Yes, well I slept in late, my alarm didn’t wake me. I promise I’m fine.” He almost reaches up to adjust his collar, feeling a bit self conscious with how he was being looked at.

  
  


Tim looks him over too, “Aight boss, you mind if we come in and wait with you then? Might as well head to work together.”

  
  


Jon looks around his house, and shrugs, They wont go into his bedroom, so it’s not like they’d see that he had anyone over, “Yes, wait on the couch. I am going to change.”

  
  


He goes to the bathroom, where he did in fact have clothes ready for the day, so that's good, he wouldn't have to go back into his room. But his luck was shit, as usual.

  
  


“Hey Jon what's going on- oh.”

  
  


Jon blinks a few times, and swears under his breath, “Hi Martin. These are my coworkers?”


	6. BOYFRIEND?!?!?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I literally cannot have angst in this or I will pass away, thank you. 
> 
> Anyone ready for tomorrows final? I'm sure as hell not!!!!

Jon looks from Martin, to Tim and Sasha, back to Martin, back to his assistants. How is he going to explain this to anyone involved, and why in the world did his luck have to be worse than his mental health in high school? Oh this is an awful scenario for him to be in isn't it? Tim and Sasha are staring at the both of them, and Jon is trying not to scream. This is so awkward.

  
  


“Oh hi, Jon’s coworkers?” Martin says politely, trying to break the awkward silence, Tim and Sasha look at him weirdly. It reminded them of when they accidentally walked in on Diane from HR and Margaret from accounting making out in a closet, and then the subsequent awkward conversations that ensued. 

  
  


Clearing his throat lightly, Jon tried to get the attentions away from Martin, “So, this is not-”

  
  


Tim gets in front of Jon, between him and the vampire- whos eyes went from blue to red, back to blue again, like a valiant hero and glared Martin down, “You! You are a vampire! Stay away from our friend!”

  
  


Sasha joins in, getting in front of Jon with her arm out like one does when keeping pizza from sliding in the passenger seat. Jon blinks a few times, and then has to mentally reboot. How did they know that? When did they figure it out- and did they really come to his flat thinking that he had gotten eaten by Martin? That’s almost laughable! Martin wouldn’t hurt him.

  
  


“ _ Jon! _ ” Martins giving him a look and he shrugs and moves his hands wildly, trying to articulate how much he was also caught off guard by this situation. What was he supposed to do? He didn’t tell them! He would have much rathered to make sure that they never figured out about Martin and taken that to his grave. Not because he didn’t like Martin but because he knew they would be insufferable about it!

  
  


“ _ I don’t know where they got the idea!”  _ Jon whisper yelled. Tim and Sasha look at both of them with faces that are full of confusion, and also annoyance, because they were not deaf and could hear the whispering, that wasn’t really whispering because it sounded a bit more like a yell. 

  
  


“Back away!” Tim says to Martin who just looks like he wants to go back to bed, and the vampire finally groans in annoyance. Now is so not the time. 

  
  


“Oh my god, yes I’m a vampire, no I’m not going to eat Jon! Can you two be reasonable!” Martin says throwing his arms up dramatically, “It is too early for this.”

  
  


Sasha blinks slowly, her brain going through a few mental loops before she has to ask the question both she and Tim are thinking, “Then why…?”

  
  


Jon clears his throat again, and cuts Sasha off before she can say anything that might make him want to fling himself into the sun, “We were watching a movie, and he can’t head home, so I’m letting his sleep here? Nothing weird like you two are so undoubtedly thinking.”

  
  


“You let a vampire into your house!” Sasha hits Jon over the head with her sleeve, “Willingly! You know how dangerous that is? You’ve read the same statements I have dummy, and don’t you even try to play the skeptic card! He just admitted to it! You knew before we did! Bop! Jail! Jail for Jon for a hundred years!”

  
  


Martin watches and raises a brow, but doesn’t say anything. Is he dangerous? Yeah sometimes, but honestly anyone of his size could be! Tim finds it incredibly strange that monster of the night, vampire that he’s heard of via Sasha looks a bit like someone's camp grandma; though who is he to judge with his Hawaiian shirts?

  
  


Batting at Sasha’s sleeves of doom, Jon rolls his eyes and tries to get away from her attacks, “Yes yes, whatever, dangerous- look I am a grown man and I am not as stupid as you think I am!”

  
  


“You sure about that one?” Martin says before he can stop himself. He would say sorry, but he is absolutely not sorry.

  
  


“You shut up.” Jon leveled him with a glare that had to use in making the other man back down, “But I am a grown man who can, despite popular belief, take care of myself- Martin stay quiet over there- and look! I’m still here, so it’s fine.”

  
  


“Jonathan Sims, you literally took a bite out of a raw potato I handed you once.”

  
  


With an annoyed huff, Jon sends a glare towards Tim, “That was one time. One.”

  
  


“One time too many.” Sasha said. 

  
  


Martin finally pipes in again, “Ok so we’ve established that Jon makes bad decisions, but also he’s still alive, so I’m not a threat, can we please talk about this when I’m not about to pass out from exhaustion or are we just gonna keep making fun of him?”

  
  


Jon crosses his arms, “I agree we should talk later.”

  
  


“Thank you.” Martin says, and finally Tim and Sasha relent, moving out of the way so that there isn’t a human wall between Jon and Martin. 

  
  


““We’ll leave you and your vampire boyfriend alone, sorry Jon.”” Tim and Sasha say at the same time.

  
  


““ _BOYFRIEND?!”_ ”

  
  


“Are you telling us that you two aren’t dating?” Sasha replies, her face a picture of dumbfounded, “you gotta be denser than rock not to realize-”

  
  


Jon and Martin are both at a loss for words, Martin is making several spluttering noises, and Jon keeps stopping and restarting their sentences, before Jon looks up at Martin and then at Tim and Sasha, “Alright out! No- not you Martin you’ll crisp up like a piece of paper in a bonfire- go to bed. Sasha! Tim out!”

  
  


\---------

  
  
  


Sasha and Tim look at each other, it was the middle of the day and Jon still was ignoring them when they tried to talk to him about his obvious crush- as said by Tim earlier, “You didn’t hear how fond he sounded over the phone!” 

  
  


So now, instead of trying to get Jon to realize that his boyfriend is a vampire, they have to help him get a vampire boyfriend. Mission locked and loaded. 


	7. Get in the closet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just an excuse to be funny, I found this to be hilarious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. How do we feel about MAG 200 folks? I am emotionally ruined for life and need wholesome happy jmart for my soul

Sasha and Tim’s “Get Jon a cute vampire boyfriend” plan had only really been abstract at that point. They may be great at gossip but never give them the benefit of the doubt when it came to bad shenanigans. Both of them might as well be the worst romcom crew in the world, but that will not stop them from trying!

  
  


“Ok so, of course we never get to see Martin during the day- sunlight and all that jazz, so maybe we invite him to drinks night?” Tim says, tapping his pen to his desk. Jon was out on lunch that day, something rare for everyone involved, but was perfect for Tim and Sasha’s planning. 

  
  


Sasha clicked her tongue, shaking her head, “he can’t drink anything other than blood, so I feel like anything that involves us eating would just be bad form you know?”

  
  


“Ah yeah, good point, what about… huh. That was my best idea let me think for a second.”

  
  


“Hah! Ok yeah I got an idea, so what if… huh wait that one also centers around food.”

  
  


“We suck at this.”

  
  


“Yeah just a little.”

  
  


They sit in silence for a little bit, and Sasha’s foot is tapping the floor in rhythms unknown to everyone but herself, “Oh! What if we invite them both over to a movie night- since he and Martin were watching one the day we slammed in, and then we could leave them alone for a bit.”

  
  


“Ok but how will they get together with us just leaving them alone? They’ve had like, months alone together before we even knew!” Tim says, and man he has a point, they had hung out with Jon and Martin a few times, just casually meeting up once of twice every week but they had plenty of time. Ok. They needed a better plan than just hope that the two of those dense idiots will get it together and fall in love. To be fair Sasha doesn’t do romance, and Tim is naturally just good with people so they aren’t very good when dealing with two people who would rather die than admit their feelings. 

  
  


“What if we trapped them in a closet?” Tim says finally, “Primary school sleepover style?”

  
  


“You’re a genius lets do that.”

  
  
  


\--------

  
  


Jon and Martin had absolutely figured out Tim and Sasha’s plan much before they were going to enact it. Martin had a perfectly hilarious idea that would make them regret trying to meddle in anyone’s romantic life.  _ Even if he really did want to date Jon.  _

  
  


Going along with Martin’s plan, Jon thinks, would be a fool proof way to first of all get back at Sasha and Tim for being literally the worst when it came to things like this, like that one time they accidentally ruined a marriage? Yeah no. They were going to mess with them just a little bit.  _ Even thought Jon would really like to hold Martin’s hand. Maybe in a different from platonic way. He would never admit that until the day he died though.  _

  
  


The night that they know Tim and Sasha will be trying to get their plan started, they had a map for what was going to happen. Of course Tim and Sasha are going to try and get them into a tiny space together, and Martin was absolutely ‘famished’. You see where this is going.

  
  


Sasha yawns dramatically, “I am going to the kitchen, Jon come with.”

  
  


“Why in the world do I have to come with you? Can’t make popcorn without someone holding your hand?” Jon grumbles, before getting up though, even if he was tired of their hijinks, Jon did love his friends. Maybe they wouldn’t even go through with the plan. That would be ideal actually. 

  
  


Sad to say that is not what happened, seeing as he was in a dark pantry alone and could hear Tim getting Martin closer before he was not alone in a dark pantry anymore. 

  
  


“Hello Martin.”

  
  


“Hi Jon.” Martin replies, and looks like he’s gonna start laughing. Oh god they didn’t think about how they would have to act. Oh no. Uh. How does one act when getting bitten by a vampire? Jon didn’t want to actually get bit and Martin was not going to bite him- that’s just rude. 

  
  


Jon looks around the pantry, giving Martin the ‘ _ what the fuck do we do now? _ ’ face. 

  
  


Martin clears his throat, and could tell Tim and Sasha were on the other side of the door, before giving Jon a look that said ‘trust me.’

  
  


“What are you- hey! Ouch! Martin!” Jon yelped, Martin didn’t actually just bite him did he? He would be incredibly affronted if he did. Oh no those aren’t fangs, he just got pinched. He almost laughed when that small sting wore off, but tried to live through it, “Stop that! When was the last time you ate- I am not-”

  
  


The door opens, Tim and Sasha looking absolutely terrified. Ahah, they thought Jon was being drank like a Capri sun, and Jon feels proud of his performance. Once they realized there was no blood, and nothing that looked like a vampire food fest, they both knew they had been bamboozled. Martin finally is able to start laughing, and Jon tries to hold it together to tell Sasha and Tim what he thought of their juvenile plan, but he couldn’t help himself with laughing either. 

  
  


“The look on both of your faces is actually funnier than anything else I have seen to date.”

  
  


Tim’s mouth opens and closes, and then he glares, “You two! I was really worried! Jon! What happened to professionalism?”

  
  


“Yeah me too!”

  
  


Jon is leaning against Martin’s side, snickering like an idiot, this is the most fun he has had in a long time. Martin had found it to also be incredibly amusing, the other two’s expressions morphing from horror to annoyance. 

  
  


“Jon you never joke like that I ought to wack you!” Sasha says, and Jon wheezes harder. 

  
  


“That’s why it was funny. As for professionalism, I am quite literally in your house, why would I need to act like a superior when we are friends?” He said, before finally catching his breath, and calmly looking at them, “I assume you wont be shoving us into anymore closets?”

  
  


“You assume wrong, prick.” Sasha says, and back into the pantry both Martin and Jon go. They look at each other and just decide to wait it out.

  
  


“So, that went well.” Martin says, and Jon nods. 

  
  


“Indeed it did.” he stops for a second and realizes he can’t hear Tim or Sasha, and the door isn't budging, “Did you want to hear about the history of emulsifiers?”

  
  


Martin nods, and they both sits down on the ground, even though its a bit cramped, “Sure.”


	8. Jon's curiosity is gonna kill him, but Martin will do anything for him so stalemate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one, I talked alot about blood. Ya know, for a vampire fic I try not to focus on the spookier stuff, and this is no EXCEPTION, but I also know in my heart that Jonathan Sims is a curious man and if he is not scared of you he will ask too many questions and I adore him for that.

Martin spluttered a few times, looking at Jon, and then at another place in the room, just trying to comprehend what Jon was asking of him, “What the hell! You said before that you didn’t want to get bitten by a vampire! Are you crazy? A masochist? Whichever it is I hate it!”

  
  


Jon huffs, crossing his arms, “It’s from a scientific point of view! I’m curious.”

  
  


“You can stay curious, what in the world.” He mutters to himself, looking at Jon. He had brought up how it kind of sucks to accidentally bite your lip when you have massive fangs, and Jon had looked at his teeth with an intense eye. At first Martin had felt a little confused, maybe a bit self-conscious because, hey! No one usually stares at him for any good reason, sue him.

  
  


But then Jon asked what it would be feel like to get bitten, and of course, Martin does the biting so he wouldn’t know! But then Jon’s face lit up with an idea, which Martin thought was kinda cute until he realized the words coming out of Jon’s mouth. 

  
  
  


“Ok but would it feel like getting stabbed? I’ve been stabbed before it’s fine-”

  
  


“Wait back up when did you get stabbed!?”

  
  


“It’s not important I just-”

  
  


Martin continued to make short aborted noises before settling on the words, “No!”

  
  


“Please?”

  
  


“You are awful.” Martin says, staring at the pleading look. Oh what the hell, he did genuinely look curious.

  
  


Jon gives a noise that sounds both offended and smug, “yes, but also I’m kind of curious how my blood would taste- does all blood taste the same?”

  
  


“Ugh! Impossible!” With that Martin looks away from Jon, if he can’t see the pleading eyes he will be unaffected by them. This psychology is flawed thought because he can still tell that Jon is very curious, and his eyes are still on Martin. It was kind of flattering that Jon trusted Martin with this vital part of himself, blood is very important after all. 

  
  


After a few minutes of the silent treatment from Martin, Jon almost gives up his quest before Martin finally gives up, “Fine- fine! I’m not biting your neck, that’s more dangerous, and you need to make sure you wont pass out from you obvious anemia.”

  
  


Jon nods, “Of course, I’ve had blood drawn before.”

  
  


“You donate blood?”

  
  


“Oh no they take gay people’s blood, I mean for the hospital.”

  
  


“Ah. Gotcha. Now that means you have to actually get a full nights rest the next few days, and eat three meals, including taking your iron supplements.”

  
  


Jon groans, just now realizing how much that would take- all the time he could be researching something, but no. He had just convinced Martin into actually indulging his curiosity, no backing out. Also primary sources and all that- who else had gotten bitten by a vampire and lived, knowing what it felt like? That seemed like neat information to have, and Jon was nothing if not a hoarder of weird information. 

  
  


“Another condition I have.” Martin says, and Jon nods rapidly, listening intently, “You have to go see cows with me at the night petting zoo.”

  
  


With a smile Jon nodded, “of course, good cows. You could have just asked me to go Martin.”

  
  


Martin looked at him, “Than I’ll save a favor for later.”

  
  


“Oh reassuring, thank you.” Jon said, raising a brow.

  
  


“Oh definitely, at least I’m not asking to get bitten.” He snarked back.

  
  


“I could bite you back will that make you feel better?” Jon says, crossing is arms, before humming, “But really if you don’t want to I can live without knowing. I want to know, don’t get me confused but I don’t want you being uncomfortable.”

  
  


“I’d be a little more worried you’d be uncomfortable with me ingesting your blood but ok.” Martin said, “I can live with it, don’t say I didn’t warn you if it hurts thought.”

  
  


Jon hummed, “I’ll live, probably dealt with worse. Also, I already know you drink blood, what's different about mine?”

"Fair enough!"

  
  
  


\--------

  
  


He was not nervous in the slightest actually, Jon thought. It was more worry that this would make it strange, what if Martin was weirded out by the request? Maybe it is a little untoward to ask your friend to bite you, but also he had been eating three straight meals and trying to get a decent amount of sleep, so there was no backing out now. 

  
  


Martin looked at him, “Did you drink anything? You might want some juice or something-”

  
  


“Yes Martin I have a cup of juice on the side table, and a muffin. Don’t worry, I do actually care to not faint like a Victorian woman.” Jon said, “Are you sure you’re comfortable though, really it’s ok if you aren’t.”

  
  


“I should be the one asking you that, Jon.” He says, looking at him with a look in his eyes that Jon can’t really decipher, but he was never really good at reading people.

  
  


With his eyes looking elsewhere, Jon bit his lip, “I just don’t want my silly interest to make things weird? I mean I wouldn’t think it was weird, but you know.”

  
  


Martin looks at him, and then laughs, “Only you.”

  
  


“What do you mean by that!”

  
  


“You are the only person who thinks being curious would stop us from being friends, that's just how you are, I wouldn’t hold it against you. As long as you aren't just using me as a science experiment-”

  
  


“I would never! You are a good friend, I like you.” Jon says, almost affronted that Martin didn’t see himself highly, “Why would I let you bully me all the time if I didn’t actually care about you?”

  
  


“Does that mean you care about Tim and Sasha?” Martin says, a devious little grin on his face. 

  
  


Jon groans, “Yes maybe I do care about them- you tell them that and I’ll put salt in my doorway.”

  
  


“That’s ghosts.”

  
  


“Ghosts are not real.” Jon says, before remembering that he’s talking to his friend, a whole vampire, “Maybe a little real.”

  
  


Martin snorts, “Ok goof now sit down and drink some juice, if you faint I will make fun of you.”

  
  


“You wouldn’t!”

  
  


“How do you know that?” He says, and Jon does sit down and take a pointed sip of juice, “What kind is that by the way, it looks nice.”

  
  


Jon looks at it, and clicks his tongue, “I think it's mango cranberry but honestly I didn’t care to look.”

  
  


With a roll of his eyes, Martin comes and sits next to Jon, “Alight science-man, last chance to back out.”

  
  


“You take me for a coward.” Jon says, offering his arm.

  
  


“No, sometimes I think you might have a braincell but then realize I’m wrong every time.” Martin snickers, a sly little grin on his face. Jon sticks his tongue out at him, and Martin finally takes the offered arm. 

  
  


Jon watches fascinated as Martin feels his pulse, and then winces at fangs in his skin, “huh, that’s not as bad as I thought it would be? Very weird though. Kind of like you’re using a straw on me.”

  
  


Martin tries not to laugh, not able to tell Jon to quit being funny before Martin accidentally bites too hard or something. When that moments dies down he just kind of sits there, not wanting to actually eat any of Jon’s blood. Of course he cant stop it when he did create a puncture in the skin, but you know. Bad form to snack on your friend. Martin lets go, and Jon is intrigued. The wound isn’t bleeding too terribly, nor did it hurt more than a shot, and they had made sure to have a first aid kit near them after this all. 

  
  


“Alright I gotta nurse you back to health now.” Martin says, grabbing the kit and then Jon’s arm gently. 

  
  


“Aye aye Nurse Martin.” Jon says, laughing slightly, before suddenly being hit with the realization, “Oh shit Sasha and Tim will be able to see these.”

  
  


Martin blinks, he would rather not have people think he just went around biting his friends, mostly because he had enough of the bite me jokes Tim made- that bastard, “damn.”

  
  


“I’m going to say that I cut myself with a knife while cooking and keep it covered.”

  
  


“You are a terrible liar Jon, don’t bring it up and if they ask tell them the truth.” Martin says, cleaning his wrist with a delicate hand before wrapping it in gauze, “Boom, you are now healed.”

  
  


“Thank you thank you, that was strange.” he said, “Like a human caprisun.”

  
  


Martin clicks his tongue, and then starts wiping any stray gore from his face, Jon looks over and raises a brow before taking a napkin in hand, “Come here.”

  
  


Obeying the request, Martin leans closer and Jon cleans up his face. He looks immersed in the task, and not that he will admit, maybe takes a bit too long just because he liked looking at Martin, “There we go, do you use floss?”

  
  


“Killed the moment there Jon, but yes I do.” Martin says with a small laugh.

  
  


“I’ll get you some, wouldn’t want any me in your teeth.”

  
  


“Don’t phrase it like that! Also maybe don’t get up?” Martin laughs, and Jon looks quite proud of his joke, before getting to his feet to get floss and then having to sit back down before he goes face down, “Hah! I told you that you shouldn’t!”

  
  


Jon huffed, and leaned back on the couch, “I see why now, go ahead and be smug.”

  
  


“I am, I’m pleased as punch.” Martin says, but when he glances at Jon, he seems a bit ashy and tired looking, “Alright there, drink some juice and eat the muffin, then I’m carrying you to bed.”

  
  


“But I need to write this all down.” Jon doesn't even protest at being carried, which Martin thinks might just be him being tired. But it was actually just Jon liking being carried by him. 

  
  


“Uhuh, you’ll remember in the morning, come on.” Martin gestures at the table, and Jon glares for a second before doing as he is told. Tired Jon actually listens, much to Martin’s amusement. As he sips his juice and eats, there's a soft part of Martin that feels endeared when the man leans over with a yawn. There's a second of his already dead heart stopping when Jon’s head lays down on his shoulder before he just laughs. Carrying him to bed it is then. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jon; Bite me
> 
> Martin internally: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK  
> Martin externally: You're so strange but ok


	9. You're cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Help this is so awful but I love them

Sasha groaned, “So Jon let Martin bite him- he’s not a vampire, but he was just curious. I think he has the sense of a cat.”

  
  


“Oh yeah probably, how does this relate to the topic we were on though?” Tim says, sipping wine. His cup is nice, and he’s holding it the worst way possible. They had a challenge to see who could hold their glasses in ways that made the other cringe without dropping it or losing drink. 

  
  


She hums, tapping her shoe, “This has gone on too long- I cannot handle Jon and Martin dancing around each other this much! I am tired of it, the energy is just not it!”

  
  


“Mood, but yeah. Our last plan didn’t go well.”

  
  


“Yeah they got us good there.”

  
  


“Bastards.” 

  
  


\----------

  
  


“Martin!” Jon’s voice called, and Martin was started out of where he was looking around the archives, sue him he was a little curious. “Martin can you come here!”

  
  


He shook his head and headed off to the office and found Jon staring intently at a spot on the wall, “Oh, spider again?”

  
  


“Yes, can you please just get rid of it.”

  
  


Martin hid his smile, “Sure.”

  
  


As he gets the spider out of the archives, he comes back to Jon sitting on the floor trying to put a bunch of files together, “I may have dropped these, don’t mind me.”

  
  
  


Martin sits down next to him, he would help but Martin had no clue what went where and Jon seemed to be laser focused on it. As he went through papers Martin watched his face. The man was working intently, putting certain papers into files just by skimming the contents, something Martin found to be an interesting skill. When he worked, his tongue poked out of his lips and he would get a furrow to his brow. 

  
  


Oh another reminder that Martin was really in it now, and by it he meant deep shit. Imagine getting a crush on your friend. At least he wasn’t Martin’s only friend now, since he had Sasha and Tim, but they seemed more intent on getting him and Jon together. Not that he didn’t appreciate a good laugh here and there he wondered when they would take it too far. 

  
  


Trying not to think about that he realized Jon was looking at him, “You were staring.”

  
  


“Sorry, I zoned out.” Martin said, and it was half true. Jon nodded, going back to his game of 52 pickup with his files, which lead Martin to try and look away. Focus on anything else. 

  
  


“Ow!” Martin muttered, and Jon looked over again, to see that the vampire had nicked his lip again. Even having them for fifty years didn’t just stop them from being inconvenient.

  
  


Jon grabbed a handkerchief from his pocket and was already helping Martin with the little bit of blackish blood. Martin didn’t mind that this was an excuse for Jon to be so close to his face. 

  
  


“There you go. You should be careful.” Jon says, putting the cloth away. 

  
  


Martin raised a brow, “If you had one-two inch blades in your mouth you’d bite yourself quite a few times.”

  
  


“Suppose you’ve got a point there.” He says, finally tearing his eyes away. Martin pretended he didn’t notice the straying eyes. 

  
  
  


\--------------

  
  


“If they don’t get together soon I might pop like a balloon, one of those cheap ones that are really loud too.” Tim says, “It’s unbearable. They’re like- middle schoolers.”

  
  


“Middle schoolers,” Sasha repeated with a snort, “Yeah they are. Like going to a dance but no one wants to dance cuz’ they're embarrassed or something.”

  
  


Tim laughs, slapping his hand on the couch like ringing a buzzer in a game show, “Yes exactly!”

  
  


“Wonder what they’re doing right now.”

  
  


“Probably watching a movie and not talking about the romantic tension.”

  
  


“Oh deffo.”

  
  
  


\------------------

  
  


Jon keeps trying not to let Martin see that he’s looking at him, but he is also getting stared at. Whenever Martin does look away, or seems to zone out, he looks over a little. When did he first really know this was a crush and not some short term fancy? Oh yeah, when he had to smuggle the man across the city the third time. Somehow he found that to be the moment when he knew he was screwed. 

  
  


Martin was so pretty, sadly. His fluffy hair was actually soft- something he got to find out during a movie night. It was nice. 

  
  


The archives was still quiet, and he tried to push his thoughts away from the other in the room. He did need to get these files done- oh. It seems he had.

  
  


Martin looks at him, and finally Jon’s had enough. Repress or distress is about to go out the window. 

  
  


“Do you think werewolves are real?” That’s not what he was going to say, his internal don't let anyone know you’re a little simp system had replaced the words, of course. 

  
  


Martin looks at him, blinks a few times and laughs, “Uh yeah they are? I’ve met a few.”

  
  


“Wait really?”

  
  


“Yeah actually.”

  
  


\--------------

  
  


Sasha turns the channel, and the show is about vampires. It turns her back to their earlier conversation. 

  
  


“I think Rosie and that one cop had a thing-”

  
  


“Oh of course they did but also, do you think that Martin would turn Jon into a vampire?” She says to the thin air. Tim raises a brow. 

  
  


“Uh…” He thinks about it for a second, “I mean with how much he looks at him adoringly, I bet he would.”

  
  


Sasha nods, as if Tim said wise words- which he never does, “Our boy could be a vampire! What would we do?”

  
  


“Probably ask to be vampires too, those chuckle-fucks aren’t getting rid of us that easily.”

  
  


“Pfff-”

  
  


\-----------------

  
  


“You should tell me the story about getting stabbed.” Martin says, and Jon is launched into the story. He watched the man gesture wildly about the encounter, some guy with crazy hair, and he felt a bit warm. Jon was really cute.

  
  


“What did you say?” Jon says, his story was stopped. He had said that out loud. Oh. 

  
  


Martin wanted to hide his face, “Sorry.”

  
  


“It’s. It’s ok? I mean- uh. You’re cute as well.” Jon says, his face a bit flustered. 

  
  


“Oh. Ah.” Martin was going to say something back but there are a lot of wards he wanted to say, and zero that felt appropriate when talking to a friend. 

  
  


Jon stops for a second, man he really doesn’t know what to say, and the slight flush to Martin’s face finally tipped him off, “Would you want to kiss?”

  
  
  


That was not something he wasn't to blurt out. Oh.

  
  


Martin spluttered and Jon was about to backtrack, apologize, but them he nodded, “Yeah.”

  
  


Oh. Jon looked at him, and then had to process that he had said yes. Ok. Martin gives an awkward smile, and they both start laughing, “Oh that was awful, I could have been way less-”

  
  


“No, no I loved that-” Martin stopped him, laughing and cutting himself off. 

  
  


Jon glared, and then leaned over to kiss Martin on the cheek. The vampire blinked and then smiled, almost like the sun, kissing Jon’s forehead, “Not exactly what you asked, but you’re cute.”

  
  


“Shush.”

  
  


\-------

  
  


“I bet it would take Jon almost dying for them to get their act together!”

**Author's Note:**

> When Martin said they wouldn't have gotten together ina different universe I think that's bullshit and heres the vampire au for me to prove it.


End file.
